MHF: Mission Impossible?
As most of my reading audience has experienced at some point (or will soon enough, trust me), the pressure to get hitched escalates to ever-higher levels with each passing day. Its as if one day, your parents are asking you how your friends are doing, classes are going, and then, BAM! A light bulb magically appears above their head, their index finger is thrust into the air, and the mom experiences an epiphany: its time to apply the people's elbow to your fun-loving, bachelor lifestyle. Yours truly has been dealing with the pleas from the parents ever since graduation day, May 2002, when the following conversation took place verbatim:
Dad: You know, you're getting older now.
Me: I'm 22.
Dad: Well, you've got a degree, you've got a job, you've got an apartment.
Me: Yeah, like most 22 year-olds I know.
Dad: Now all you need is a wife.
Me: *Silence*
Now imagine exponentially increasing the rate at which such comments, nudges, and hints are dropped. Couple that with the fact that everyone in our tight-knit California Indian community decided to take the leap at the ripe age of 24 (or younger), and you can only imagine what kind of absurd expectations my parents have. As my mom says, "I'm getting old. Once I marry you off, you're HER responsibility. Until then, you're my responsibility." I didn't realize I was being babysat.
In any case, the reason for the above prologue is to provide some context to the subject of today's rant. As mentioned, the frequency with which I'm being bombarded by marriage talks has grown to a frenzied state- in fact, I often dread talking to my parents on the phone for longer than the obligated time frame because inevitably, the following question arises:
Mom / Dad / Sometimes in Unison: "So..................have anything to tell us?"
It's almost like I can feel the nudge and see them winking at me. Well, those were the good 'ol days; sometimes I wish I could go back to days gone by when all I dealt with were a few innocuous questions, some gentle prodding, and an occasional plea of, "Well, make sure she's Indian and Hindu!"* (sidenote story on bottom). In recent months, my parents have drastically escalated the situation; to provide a better idea of just how the situation has escalated, I compare it our national Homeland Security threat level system:
- Low threat level (college days): Nishant is still in school and needs to focus on making enough money so we can properly brag to all our friends.
Low risk of Nishant not getting married. Taking any action now to marry him off (or "MHF", as I will now reference it) would be preemptive and could backfire. Avoid MHF mission.
- Guarded threat level (recent college graduate): Nishant is finally on his own. It would be nice if he would get a girlfriend so she could take care of him since he living on his own, but we will let him enjoy post-college life for a little bit.
General risk of Nishant not getting married. Taking any significant MHF action would be unwarranted, but maintaining general awareness of all public situations (weddings, family parties, high-level conversations) is within reason.
- Elevated threat level (12 months post-graduation): Nishant has been working for a year now and has not mentioned a potential life partner. Elevated use of outside intervention is necessary in order to ensure successful MHF mission.
Material risk of Nishant not getting married. Taking public steps to disrupt potential for a lonely, single life are warranted and requires proactive approach from all concerned parties.
- High threat level (36 months post-graduation): Nishant is now 25, and the rules of mathematics will not allow us to round downwards and claim he is in his "early 20s". Use of the words "single" and "late 20s" in the same sentence are abominable.
Significant risk of Nishant not getting married. Threat level implores the scopious use of all available outside resources to ensure MHF mission is successful before self-imposed deadline of 26 years old.
- Severe threat level (current state of the union): Nishant is rapidly approaching his 30s. His biological clock is ticking. Need for grandchildren is of utmost importance and fundamental to the next generation of the family lineage. Successful execution and the current State of Emergency demands martial law- use of all military personal (and relatives from India) to enforce MHF goal.
Paramount risk of Nishant not getting married. Career, social, personal goals be damned. Odds of successful MHF mission are diminishing and probability of near-term solution in jeopardy- use of significant force should be considered appropriate under any circumstance.
Recently, I've started receiving bio-datas of girls from my parents in a futile effort to successfully complete their mission. I've started getting phone calls from relatives in India (ON MY CELL PHONE) , asking me for the specifics of my job, my physical appearance, my birthday, and any other details that would fit nicely on an 8.5' x 11' piece of paper (I would like to think of myself as tall, slim, beautiful with sharp features, charming, and possessing strong Indian values like everyone else, but I digress). Now don't get me wrong- I think that over the years, I've become more open to the idea of being introduced to someone, provided that she be tall, slim, beautiful with sharp features, charming, and possessing strong Indian values, like myself. But more often than not, these advertisements always end up similar a used car salesmans' pitch: you want to believe what you hear, but if what he's saying really true, why is the car still sitting on the parking lot? And sometimes, you know the car is a lemon when even the description is clearly reaching for ANY strand of positivity if can grab ahold of. A perfect example from one such email I was forwarded regarding a "suitable match":
Hobbies- Badminton, Basketball. She knows driving and has a license too.
I will give my readers a break for this to sink in.
Done laughing yet? Didn't think so.
Ok, back to the rant. I mean, are you joking? This is supposed to be an advertisement where you want the buyer to get excited; you want a potential mate to think that this person could be the yin to your yang, that passing up this opportunity will lead to years of staring out a window while rain hits the windowpane wondering, "What if?". Instead, I must ponder if this can really be true or if this is some kind of Mumbai slang for "parties balls with Ashwariya when she's not volunteering at the local homeless shelter". Somehow, I don't think this is the case. Also, parents don't seem to understand the need for physical attraction. Look, I'm not saying I could ever be mistaken for John Abraham or don't think that some of these girls aren't great catches, but physical attraction is necessary. But more often than not, such concerns (and requests for a picture) fall on deaf ears. Warning signal #1: when the bio-data does not include a picture, but requests "that the kids talk first", that's a red flag. Warning signal #2: "she comes from a good family" is the answer when a picture is requested. Warning signal #3: "in 20 years, what she looks like won't matter". Wonderful. Sign me up.
I don't think many of our parents are open to the idea that times and circumstances have changed- people are waiting longer these days, focusing more on stabilizing their careers before committing to a lifelong decision, and generally speaking, looking to be 100% sure that their wife or husband is the one for them. My parents entire defense is that they only knew each other for a few weeks before getting married, and look at them: 30 years of holy matrimony. My counter-argument: holy matrimony? You mean shackled by the divorce taboo that permeates the older Indian community, which is obviously becoming less and less of an issue to the 2nd generation. In any case, I know all of our parents are just doing what they think is best and their behaviors are simply a reflection of the circumstances in which they were raised and married. But at the same time, I would hope that they would trust that if their kids are smart enough to be the drivers behind of the one of the strongest ethnic groups in the US, that they're smart enough to navigate the choppy waters of the vast "MHF" ocean.
Another frivolous rant complete. Holla.
Sidenote story: Among the hundreds of marriage interrogations my parents have put me through, one particularly amusing conversations happened with my mom. Here's a recap of the conversation:
Mom: I just want you to get married so you're not my responsibility anymore. But you never tell me about any girl you're interested in or are talking to. Tell me anything.
Me: Ok, what kind of girl do you want me to marry?
Mom: Well, I know it will be difficult to find a Rajasthani or Marwari girl, so Gujurati or South Indian isn't bad. South Indians are very smart you know. But make sure she's not kali (dark). And she must be Hindu!
Me: Ok. Here's a hypothetical: I have two options, and I need to choose one. Marrying a non-Indian Hindu (maybe like a French Hindu if they exist) or a non-Hindu Indian. What do you choose?
Mom: Well, Jains are ok too. Buddhists' beliefs are close to Hinduism as well.
Me: No, I'm talking Christian, Muslim, Jewish.
Mom: *Starts bawling*
Me: Huh?
Mom: WHO IS SHE? IS SHE THE WHITE GIRL OR THE MUSLIM? WHY DO YOU DO THIS TO ME? YOUR DAD IS GOING TO KILL ME. HAI RAM, WHAT DID I DO TO DESERVE THIS???
Me: Uh, it was a hypothetical. I'm single.
Mom: *Dabs her eyes*: If you ever ask me such a preposterous question EVER again, I will cut you.
I love my parents.
PS: Loyal readers, I am in need of blogging ideas. Any topic you'd like me to rant about, let me know. Drop me an IM, leave a comment, anything. The more ideas I have, the more often you can waste 15 minutes of your otherwise uneventful life reading this nonsense. Thanks in advance.
Dad: You know, you're getting older now.
Me: I'm 22.
Dad: Well, you've got a degree, you've got a job, you've got an apartment.
Me: Yeah, like most 22 year-olds I know.
Dad: Now all you need is a wife.
Me: *Silence*
Now imagine exponentially increasing the rate at which such comments, nudges, and hints are dropped. Couple that with the fact that everyone in our tight-knit California Indian community decided to take the leap at the ripe age of 24 (or younger), and you can only imagine what kind of absurd expectations my parents have. As my mom says, "I'm getting old. Once I marry you off, you're HER responsibility. Until then, you're my responsibility." I didn't realize I was being babysat.
In any case, the reason for the above prologue is to provide some context to the subject of today's rant. As mentioned, the frequency with which I'm being bombarded by marriage talks has grown to a frenzied state- in fact, I often dread talking to my parents on the phone for longer than the obligated time frame because inevitably, the following question arises:
Mom / Dad / Sometimes in Unison: "So..................have anything to tell us?"
It's almost like I can feel the nudge and see them winking at me. Well, those were the good 'ol days; sometimes I wish I could go back to days gone by when all I dealt with were a few innocuous questions, some gentle prodding, and an occasional plea of, "Well, make sure she's Indian and Hindu!"* (sidenote story on bottom). In recent months, my parents have drastically escalated the situation; to provide a better idea of just how the situation has escalated, I compare it our national Homeland Security threat level system:
- Low threat level (college days): Nishant is still in school and needs to focus on making enough money so we can properly brag to all our friends.Low risk of Nishant not getting married. Taking any action now to marry him off (or "MHF", as I will now reference it) would be preemptive and could backfire. Avoid MHF mission.
- Guarded threat level (recent college graduate): Nishant is finally on his own. It would be nice if he would get a girlfriend so she could take care of him since he living on his own, but we will let him enjoy post-college life for a little bit.
General risk of Nishant not getting married. Taking any significant MHF action would be unwarranted, but maintaining general awareness of all public situations (weddings, family parties, high-level conversations) is within reason.
- Elevated threat level (12 months post-graduation): Nishant has been working for a year now and has not mentioned a potential life partner. Elevated use of outside intervention is necessary in order to ensure successful MHF mission.
Material risk of Nishant not getting married. Taking public steps to disrupt potential for a lonely, single life are warranted and requires proactive approach from all concerned parties.
- High threat level (36 months post-graduation): Nishant is now 25, and the rules of mathematics will not allow us to round downwards and claim he is in his "early 20s". Use of the words "single" and "late 20s" in the same sentence are abominable.
Significant risk of Nishant not getting married. Threat level implores the scopious use of all available outside resources to ensure MHF mission is successful before self-imposed deadline of 26 years old.
- Severe threat level (current state of the union): Nishant is rapidly approaching his 30s. His biological clock is ticking. Need for grandchildren is of utmost importance and fundamental to the next generation of the family lineage. Successful execution and the current State of Emergency demands martial law- use of all military personal (and relatives from India) to enforce MHF goal.
Paramount risk of Nishant not getting married. Career, social, personal goals be damned. Odds of successful MHF mission are diminishing and probability of near-term solution in jeopardy- use of significant force should be considered appropriate under any circumstance.
Recently, I've started receiving bio-datas of girls from my parents in a futile effort to successfully complete their mission. I've started getting phone calls from relatives in India (ON MY CELL PHONE) , asking me for the specifics of my job, my physical appearance, my birthday, and any other details that would fit nicely on an 8.5' x 11' piece of paper (I would like to think of myself as tall, slim, beautiful with sharp features, charming, and possessing strong Indian values like everyone else, but I digress). Now don't get me wrong- I think that over the years, I've become more open to the idea of being introduced to someone, provided that she be tall, slim, beautiful with sharp features, charming, and possessing strong Indian values, like myself. But more often than not, these advertisements always end up similar a used car salesmans' pitch: you want to believe what you hear, but if what he's saying really true, why is the car still sitting on the parking lot? And sometimes, you know the car is a lemon when even the description is clearly reaching for ANY strand of positivity if can grab ahold of. A perfect example from one such email I was forwarded regarding a "suitable match":
Hobbies- Badminton, Basketball. She knows driving and has a license too.
I will give my readers a break for this to sink in.
Done laughing yet? Didn't think so.
Ok, back to the rant. I mean, are you joking? This is supposed to be an advertisement where you want the buyer to get excited; you want a potential mate to think that this person could be the yin to your yang, that passing up this opportunity will lead to years of staring out a window while rain hits the windowpane wondering, "What if?". Instead, I must ponder if this can really be true or if this is some kind of Mumbai slang for "parties balls with Ashwariya when she's not volunteering at the local homeless shelter". Somehow, I don't think this is the case. Also, parents don't seem to understand the need for physical attraction. Look, I'm not saying I could ever be mistaken for John Abraham or don't think that some of these girls aren't great catches, but physical attraction is necessary. But more often than not, such concerns (and requests for a picture) fall on deaf ears. Warning signal #1: when the bio-data does not include a picture, but requests "that the kids talk first", that's a red flag. Warning signal #2: "she comes from a good family" is the answer when a picture is requested. Warning signal #3: "in 20 years, what she looks like won't matter". Wonderful. Sign me up.
I don't think many of our parents are open to the idea that times and circumstances have changed- people are waiting longer these days, focusing more on stabilizing their careers before committing to a lifelong decision, and generally speaking, looking to be 100% sure that their wife or husband is the one for them. My parents entire defense is that they only knew each other for a few weeks before getting married, and look at them: 30 years of holy matrimony. My counter-argument: holy matrimony? You mean shackled by the divorce taboo that permeates the older Indian community, which is obviously becoming less and less of an issue to the 2nd generation. In any case, I know all of our parents are just doing what they think is best and their behaviors are simply a reflection of the circumstances in which they were raised and married. But at the same time, I would hope that they would trust that if their kids are smart enough to be the drivers behind of the one of the strongest ethnic groups in the US, that they're smart enough to navigate the choppy waters of the vast "MHF" ocean.
Another frivolous rant complete. Holla.
Sidenote story: Among the hundreds of marriage interrogations my parents have put me through, one particularly amusing conversations happened with my mom. Here's a recap of the conversation:
Mom: I just want you to get married so you're not my responsibility anymore. But you never tell me about any girl you're interested in or are talking to. Tell me anything.
Me: Ok, what kind of girl do you want me to marry?
Mom: Well, I know it will be difficult to find a Rajasthani or Marwari girl, so Gujurati or South Indian isn't bad. South Indians are very smart you know. But make sure she's not kali (dark). And she must be Hindu!
Me: Ok. Here's a hypothetical: I have two options, and I need to choose one. Marrying a non-Indian Hindu (maybe like a French Hindu if they exist) or a non-Hindu Indian. What do you choose?
Mom: Well, Jains are ok too. Buddhists' beliefs are close to Hinduism as well.
Me: No, I'm talking Christian, Muslim, Jewish.
Mom: *Starts bawling*
Me: Huh?
Mom: WHO IS SHE? IS SHE THE WHITE GIRL OR THE MUSLIM? WHY DO YOU DO THIS TO ME? YOUR DAD IS GOING TO KILL ME. HAI RAM, WHAT DID I DO TO DESERVE THIS???
Me: Uh, it was a hypothetical. I'm single.
Mom: *Dabs her eyes*: If you ever ask me such a preposterous question EVER again, I will cut you.
I love my parents.
PS: Loyal readers, I am in need of blogging ideas. Any topic you'd like me to rant about, let me know. Drop me an IM, leave a comment, anything. The more ideas I have, the more often you can waste 15 minutes of your otherwise uneventful life reading this nonsense. Thanks in advance.
posted by NB at 8:52 PM
4 Comments:
french + hindu = frindu. they do exist!
one thing my mom says to me, "you can't just keep saying 'no' to everyone", like there's a LINE out my door or something! good luck on the wifey search. you should put your love of shopping on your bio data, tons of girls would ping you, if anything, for a new gay best friend.
Have you looked into certified pre-owned? It comes with an extended warranty "bumper to bumper".....
maybe you quit the poker and fix up your wardrobe
i think that would do wonders for your pathetic self
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